I remember sitting in 8th grade English class while they discussed the accident. I remember Mr. McDougall asking if anyone knew you. I remember raising my hand. And I remember chickening out of your funeral. I was terrified. Maybe if I don't go, don't acknowledge it, maybe it'll go away, and you'll be there tomorrow in the hallway, just like every other day. Maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare, and won't be left with an empty spot. Denial. Works great for a time. Until everything catches up to you. And now is my time. I spend alot of time thinking about when we were little, and would spend every single day together. You had so much patience and tolerated the pain in the ass I'm sure I was. I remember watching Friday the 13th and Freddy Krueger movies with you, and knowing that I didn't need to worry, cause you were there. I remember building forts in your backyard with the tarp and picnic table, and spending hours in our own little world. Even now,everytime Kokomo comes on, I think of you. The way your hair was frizzy and stood straight up for a good amount of time because you electrocuted yourself. You asking my dad to pull you behind his car on your snow racer (he always thought you were crazy). Letting Star drag you around the neighbourhood like a rag doll. Sitting under the pine tree in the middle of the park. Paul teasing us about being boyfriend and girlfriend. Theres SO much I remember, but at the same time, theres so much I can't recall. Like why we drifted apart. Where I put the news clipping about the accident. Anything to do with it really, I've effectively blanked out. I've spent alot of nights up crying, thinking about it all, wondering if I could have changed anything or made a difference. Wondering why now, that I need these answers, they're nowhere to be found. All I want is to be able to come see you, and say all the things I should have said years ago. I'm sorry. I miss you. I wish you stayed with me. I need you. I love you. I'd give anything to be able to tell you these things. And so I'll continue looking. I love you Joey. I hope you knew that.
